Michael's Story

 My father was always a difficult character who never displayed much love or affection but that became much worse as I began to enter adolescence and pushed boundaries. I was gender non-conforming since early childhood and was frequently a target for bullying as a result. When I started high school the bullying became particularly bad. I was persona non grata, unacceptable to even the unpopular and nerdy kids. I would dread turning up for registration in the morning. It didn't matter if I kept my head down and stayed quiet, the other kids would always find a way to torment me anyway. The rest of the day would continue the same.

I got on the bus to school one day and didn't get off at my stop. I went to the local shopping centre and hung about for the day. The sense of relief was palpable and I began to do it frequently. I came home one day and my mum seemed off with me. She told me the school had called and reported my lack of attendance. I was sent to my room to wait for my dad to come home from work. My father was fuming, angrier than I had ever seen him before. He took off his belt and hit me across the arms and legs. Finally he struck me across the face and sent me back to my room. 

I'd suffered unhappiness from my early childhood. My body, specifically my genitalia, always felt alien to me and deeply distressing. The older I got, the clearer and more severe the problem came. I'd see my younger brother and feel that was the body I should have been born with. I was convinced I ought to have been a boy and something had gone horribly wrong. I was always a nerd and took great pleasure in using the computer and searching the web. I searched for communities where I would be welcome and made the friends online that I lacked in my real life. One source of support that I turned to was an online transgender group. I would see photos of transitioned transmen and it gave me hope about a potential future for me. One where my body would be closer to what I had always hoped it to be and people might treat me like a normal person.

There were a bunch of young people using the website, just like me. One transwoman was always kind and caring. Amy was almost a maternal figure and would take us under her wing and make sure that other users behaved properly around the younger people. She was in her 40s and worked as a receptionist. She'd always have funny stories to tell us about clients at work. After some time Amy gave me her contact details and we would message online and talk on the phone. She was the only person who listened and understood when I would talk about my difficulties at school and with my body.

The night that my father disciplined me for skipping school I felt particularly desperate and alone. The thought of having to go back to school and no longer getting to spend my days wandering about in peace filled me with horror. I called Amy in tears and she instantly calmed me down. I'm still not sure how she did that but she was so good at it. Amy asked if I wanted to stay at her flat for a few days until things had calmed down. I was desperate to be away from my dad and everything else so I said yes immediately. My parents always watched their tv shows in the evening so I waited and then left the house quietly. I walked to the train station and bought a ticket. I was so excited to get away from everything.

Amy picked me up at the station near her. We went to Blockbuster to get a movie and picked up pizza then it was a short drive to her flat. We talked lots and her little dog lay on my lap the whole night. It was the happiest I had been. I said I would sleep on the sofa but Amy insisted I took her bed and she would sleep on the sofa. It was all set up for me, with fresh linen she had washed and dried that evening. I went to sleep but got woken up by Amy in the night. She said her back was hurting from the sofa and asked if she could sleep on the other side of the bed. I didn't see any issue with that and was just keen to go back to sleep.

Later in the night I woke up again, this time to her rubbing my back. I thought it was a bit odd but didn't say anything. She asked me to turn over and lie on my back so I did then she leaned over me and began to kiss me. I was uncomfortable and pulled away from her. Suddenly, a very different side to Amy came out. It was nothing like I had seen before from her. She asked me if I thought she was ugly and I said no, and then she asked what the problem was. I said I didn't want to do anything and she insisted I must think she's ugly. I didn't say anything and she started trying to kiss me again. I didn't respond but didn't stop her either. 

Amy took my t-shirt off and I started crying as I had begun to grow breasts which I hated, and I felt so exposed. She didn't seem to notice or care and started touching my breasts which was even worse. She pulled my shorts and underwear down and I continued to cry but didn't say anything. She got on top of me and pushed my legs to the sides. Then she started to have sex with me and all I felt was deep shock and terrible pain. After she finished she lay behind me and put her arms around my torso. Amy raped me another two times that night. The pain and fear was present every time and I would be desperate for her to finish and leave me be. When I got up in the morning I noticed there was a big blood stain where I had been lying. I had a shower then Amy drove me back to the station and said I shouldn't stay any longer as my parents would worry. I walked back home and found my mum in a state with the police there. 

I worried I would be in trouble with my parents again but they were just happy I was back. The worst I got was my dad telling me never to do it again. He said he was sorry he had been harsh with me. Things went back to normal. I went to school again and would be picked on day in and day out. Inside I was in turmoil and all I could think about was what Amy had done to me. I felt dirty and the feelings I had about my body became even worse. All I could focus on was how wrong my body was and the humiliation, disgust and violation I felt from what she had done to me.

My periods started when I was 10 and were always a source of distress. Fortunately they were irregular and I would frequently go months without having one. As such I didn't think anything of my lack of period to begin with. However, as time went on I began to worry that I wasn't having one. My worst fear was confirmed when I began to get a bump a few months after the assault. I'd thought the vomiting I'd suffered previously might be due to shock but it dawned on me what the cause was. I went to the pharmacy and bought a pregnancy test, which came back positive. There was a nice transman I'd met on the same website called Oliver. He was in his 30s and worked as a nurse. I told him about what Amy had done and he said I had to go to the police. That was the last thing I wanted. I told him I was pregnant and asked for his help. 

Oliver drove all the way from Edinburgh. He met me at the train station so my parents wouldn't see me getting in the car with him. He took me to a clinic to get a termination as I didn't want to continue with the pregnancy. The staff were really kind to me. But once they found out I was 12 they explained they had to make a safeguarding referral. The police would be involved and they needed my parents to be with me when they spoke to me. I was so worried about their reaction and started crying and panicking. The police wanted to know who the father was and asked if it was Oliver. My mum was with me as they spoke to me. I explained he was a transman and it couldn't be him. I told them about Amy and where I had met her and what she had done. My mum took me home and asked me to go to my room. I was worried as she wasn't saying anything and neither was my dad.

My parents were devout Christians and their religion was very important to them. I was never a believer but claimed I was to make them happy. My mum called me down that evening and I sat at the dining table across from my mum and dad. They said they were hurt that I had betrayed their trust and that the transgender thing had to stop. It wasn't Christian behaviour. But out of something awful had come a blessing and although it would be hard, I should have the baby and my parents would raise it like it was their own. I said I would think about it but I always knew that I couldn't bear to do that. I felt enough distress about my body as it was without having a baby growing inside of me that I would have to give birth to. I couldn't imagine anything worse. 

In the end I went against my parents wishes and decided to have the termination. They were upset but relented and my mum took me to get the procedure done. Because I was 16 weeks pregnant by that time I had to have a dilatation and curettage. They had to insert a laminaria the day before. I hated being exposed and having a speculum inserted which felt like another violation, and especially as my mum was in the room though I did have a paper towel over my lap. I was told it would be uncomfortable but the insertion was actually extremely painful. I had excruciating cramping pain overnight that kept me awake. I became very nervous about the procedure. Fortunately they used a sedation and I was completely unaware of what they were doing. I had some cramping and bleeding for a few days but later felt back to normal physically.

I'm relieved I didn't have to go through with the pregnancy and giving birth. That would have been my worst nightmare. Amy was charged and the products of abortion were used to convict her. I was disappointed in the sentence but relieved that she had been punished. But I never got over my experiences. It has been many years since it all occurred but thinking about it now triggers the same pain I felt as a child. The trans group that had been a source of support became hostile to me. I was forbidden from discussing what had happened and told to stay silent. However, somehow everyone knew and treated me with suspicion, everyone except for Oliver who remains a friend today. Since then I have always avoided trans groups and support spaces because of my experience and a fear of transwomen that developed. However, my dysphoria persisted and I began physical transition when I turned 18 and the lack of support could be very isolating. I agree with fully inclusive trans spaces for those who want them but I think a group for transmen only would have been hugely beneficial for me during that time.

Today I have my wonderful wife and a child of our own, who is the light of our lives. I never imagined I'd have that kind of love or a family of my own. It wasn't something I could foresee in my future when I was young. To be able to provide the love and sense of safety I didn't always feel in my own childhood has been incredibly healing. I still have nightmares and moments of panic when I recall the events of that night, but I take time out and focus on mindfulness to get me through. The bad times have become less frequent and focusing on work and family keeps me on track. I hope that trans community groups today employ better safeguarding for children seeking support. I don't want any child to go through what I did.